A Cliched Beginning and End!
by EmbattledCurve
Summary: Why read numerous bad fanfics when this one has all the same elements. A complete parody of all the awful cliches that one encounters..............
1. Chapter 1

_Well there are so many awful fics in this category that I honestly did not know where to start, so I'm putting together some of the most common cliches that one encounter._

**Disclaimer:** No infringement of any copyrights is intended, it's all done for amusement purposes.

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'Ginny!' squealed Hermione, as she spied the youngest Weasely, who had now become her _bestest _friend in entire Hogwarts, the two had had some pretty special female bonding time, kind of like the sorority sisters. 

Ginny on catching sight of Hermione on the platform at King's Cross station, ran towards her. 'Hermioneeee, oh my god, I missed you so much' and with another squeal the two of them were lost in giant hugs, squealing all the while, for the author decides that this is the appropriate behaviour expected from a girl.

Drawing back Hermione said with another high pitched squeal which was threatening to turn super sonic any second, 'Oh my god, that's such a cool tank top, where ever did you get it?'

The author usually completely ignores the fact that Ginny is not muggle-born, but instead dresses her up in a wide variety of miniscule clothing, attached with the label of muggle-clothing simply because in the wizarding world you are expected to cover every bit of exposed skin with long, shapeless robes, and therefore anything which shows off skin has to be muggle-clothing! The author's rationality at this point spell-binds the reader's into a daze, from which they quickly recover and proceed to continue reading.

'Oh Hermione, it's from my usual, Versace. Donatella was beginning to tire me out.' It was most certainly not unusual for Ginny to be frequenting designer stores, for the author at some point would have decided that she's come into a large sum of money, and is now an heiress. Her galleons were actually giving Malfoy a run for his!

'Oh Hermione, you look so pretty!' At this Hermione blushed and threw her hair over her shoulders, and it's all in slow-motion so that one can fully appreciate the beauty of it all. Hermione had got what the author at this point would like to call "a make-over"during summer, so that her once bushy hair was now replaced by sleek, glossy locks that were the envy of all woman-kind. She had on pink eye-shadow and pink lipstick because the author generally decides that pink is the most happening shade on earth.

Ron and Harry sauntered over.'Hi Hermione, how was your summer?' queried Ron.

But one look at Hermione and it was enough to send Ron into a hormonal overdrive, while Harry was doing the same with Ginny. The reason being that both girls were now extremely pretty and beautiful and cute and sexy and hot and any other adjectives that the author can think of using at this point, and the best part was that they had both managed to fill out over the summer, so that they now had luscious curves in all the right places.

Once again the author rationales that both girls were hit with an excess of estrogen, so that the effects of puberty which generally take an age-gap of 13-18 to fully manifest, was on this occasion manifested as a puberty-spurt over a span of two months in summer. Exceptions do occur, and once again the author's rationality dazzles the reader.

Hermione and Ginny were now gazing unabashedly at both boys, who had also undergone a puberty-spurt of some sort. Both were lanky and lean and had fine chiselled bodies that could only come from years and years of gruelling training sessions in Quidditch, all of which were conducted over the summer because the author usually decides at this point that summer is the most happening season for make-overs of any sort! Both girls sighed dreamily.

Just then a figure bumps into Ginny and then snarls 'Don't touch me you filthy Weasely, you with your hand-me-down robes are not fit to make contact with me!'

As Ron lunges for Draco, Harry tries to hold him off, because the author would have decided at some point that Draco comes from an abused parentage and hence should be handled with pity, sympathy and compassion, all of which Harry possesses and is filled to the brim with.

Ginny tosses her hair haughtily over her shoulders and says in a matching tone 'You're the one who's unfit to touch my Versace, now I will have to burn it, and all because a filthy Malfoy touched it and it was my favourite too.'

At this bit of revelation Draco's eyes goggled as he realizes that what Ginny says is true. 'Oh my god, so it's true, you are richer than me!' and with that he bursts into tears and runs off. This is usually because the author would have decided that Draco is a very sensitive boy and is man enough to show his feelings and so he snivells at regular intervals.

The Golden Trio then board the train and their entire journey to Hogwarts is completely uneventful for the author decides that kind and sensitive Draco wants to be alone, snivelling and so there are no hexes or curses exchanged. Or there could be a second possibilty, in which case the author decides that Draco has snivelled enough, and is now filled with burning and deep seated resentment accompanied by loathing for one Hermione Granger, for he's noticed how well she's filled out over the summer and cannot stop this growing attraction that he feels for her, feeling the sudden tightness in his pants.

In case of the second possibilty, the said author will concoct a situation where Hermione Granger will be left all alone in the compartment, which is what the rogue Draco Malfoy has been waiting for all along, so that he can have his wicked way with her.

'MUDBLOOD' roars Draco as he slams the compartment door shut behind him. An extremely helpless Hermione whimpers in a corner for the author would have decided at this point to completely ignore that Hermione is the smartest witch in her year and knows a wide variety of spells which can be put to excellent use. So the author in order to create a lot of melodrama will show Hermione getting raped by Draco, because as I pointed out before, Hermione is all alone and the other thousand or so students in the train cannot hear her cries for help.

Or else the author can make Hermione respond to his every touch and every caress with an un-matched and un-briddled passion of her own. But her moans as his mouth works magic on her skin awakens Draco to his pure-blood heritage and so he throws her away from him with a 'You filthy Mudblood' before stomping away, but neither can forget the sensous feel of the other's lips and both are longing for more secretly.

Now that all the melodrama is over, the train speeds to Hogwarts, where once the sorting and the feast is concluded and Harry is hurrying to the common room to sneak a look at Ginny, he's accosted by his arch nemesis Severus Snape.

'Harry you must come with me at once. I have something of great importance to tell you.' And with that Snape runs off towards his favourite hiding spot, the dungeons. Now Harry shrugs and follows him, for it's very often that Snape trusts him with his secrets, and he wants to know more.

As he sits down in Snape's office, Snape paces in front of him.

'It's time you know the truth Harry.' With a heavy sigh he reveals what the author thinks is the most earth-shattering news guaranteed to shake the entire wizarding world. 'You Harry, are my son.'

Now this great revelation is due to the fact that the author decides to completely ignore the fact that Harry looks like Lily and James and that Lily married James and instead rationalizes that Lily was all along in love with Severus, but married James when she found out that she was pregnant with Severus's son, and the reason that Harry looks like James is because charms have been placed on him to conceal his true identity.

Or the author comes up with an extremely perverted Snape who enters Lily's home and bed looking like James thanks to polyjuice potion and gets her pregnant, after which he uses concealment charms on Harry. So then after going to elaborate lengths to conceal that Harry is infact a Snape, why is it being revealed now? The author usually reveals the reason with similar sentences as below.

'The reason I'm telling you all of this now Harry is because a son should know his father!' Snape's lower lip trembles tremulously and he cries 'My son' holding out his arms.

Harry takes in the enormity of the situation and bursts into tears, he now has a man who he can call father, and runs into Snape's open arms.

The author then decides that as Harry is now well established as a Snape, he should be re-sorted into his rightful house Slytherin and should be given the rightful title of "Slytherin God". Now Draco having lost his title of "the wealthiest heir" as well as "Slytherin God" in one day, cannot bear it anymore and runs off to the boy's bathroom to cry his eyes out. A more melodramatic author will decide that he should be given a scalpel and he would be in the process of severing his radial artery when either Hermione or Ginny find him and give him all the sympathy he deserves.

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_That's it, I'm going to stop now. I could go on and on, there are so many possibilities that I have still not explored. Now wether I turn this into a multi-chaptered story or not depends on the response I get. So please review and let me know if you would like it to be continued. Even if you don't want it to be continued, review anyway. I realize that I may have hurt people's feelings with this fic and that was not my intention at all. This was purely to have a good laugh._


	2. Chapter 2

_Hello everyone, I originally did not intend to continue this, but it seems that both my professional life at FanFiction as well as my personal life is filled with angst, and I really need a good laugh. Hopefully you feel the same way, and enjoy reading this, just as much as I enjoyed writing it._

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Just as kind, sensitive Draco was contemplating the spillage of his arterial blood, the door to the bathroom was thrown open. An audible gasp could be heard, which fit into the theme that the author has worked so hard at portraying. 

'Draco, what are you doing?' shrieks an obviously shell-shocked Ginny.

'What does it look like I'm doing?'snarls Draco in reply. 'Now go away and let me contemplate my preferred mode of self-destruction in peace.'

Now ofcourse Ginny cannot be allowed to simply turn around, shut the door and mind her own business, not at all, or else how will the author thrust in the fact that Ginny is now able to percieve Draco's kind and sensitive nature which previously was known only to Harry? And so she runs towards Draco, once again in slow motion, so that the reader's can fully appreciate the gravity of the situation, as well as her creamy thighs as a gust of wind blows, for the author has managed to successfully evade the fact that they are in a bathroom, and Draco forgets about the scalpel for a full minute while he too is overcome by lust.

Ginny dashes to the floor beside him and grabs the scalpel. 'I cannot let you do this Draco, you are so young, and your whole life is ahead of you.'

'What else should I do? You are now wealthier than me, Harry is now "Slytherin God", and my father wants me to be a death-eater.' His whining is absolutely acceptable, for author decides that kind and sensitive Draco is a man who is not afraid to remain in touch with his feminine side- a metrosexual.

Now author decides that it's time that Ginny takes matters into her own hands, maybe even so literally, and the next few sentences explain it all.

Ginny kneels down in front of Draco ernestly, the neckline of her uptil-now-modest blouse, suddenly dipping to her waistline, for the author would have decided that Ginny has changed her outfit from her school robes to the present glamarous rags, sometime in between all the above.

Ofcourse as intended, Draco would be overcome with primal lust on seeing her breasts, which author will take great pains to describe, sometimes even as being ripe melons, for after all she has filled in over the summer.

Draco with a savage growl grabs her and begins to demonstrate his ardour, and Ginny can do nothing but respond, while she cradles his head, for she cannot stop this growing longing within her, and the author feels very pleased that such a romantic setting has been envisaged in a bathroom! Oh the unlimited boundaries of imagination………….

Now while Draco is taking the much needed time, to fill Ginny with his seeds, so that author can at a later point have Ginny announce in an extremely dramatic fashion, complete with tears that she is pregnant, the new "Slytherin sex-god" was bonding with his new found father in the dungeons. The author at this point must be complimented on the choice of scenic locales for emotional or sexual dramas of any sort.

'Father' sobbed Harry in Snape's arms. 'I've wanted to know you for so long.'

'Son' said Snape, tears running down his cheeks, 'I've wanted to know you for so long too.'

And so each sobbed in the other's arms for a considerable period of time, which will be determined by the author. And author feels extremely pleased that two such pained characters, who have been misunderstood their entire lives have found solace within each other.

'I always thought you hated me and James' hiccoughed Harry.

'I hated James, I still do for he was the man who took what was rightfully mine, but I never hated you. If you happened to get that mistaken impression, consider it as part of my new-found excellent acting skills, whereby I misled everybody about your truthful parentage.'

'And all these years I thought I was an orphan, I thought I would have to live with the Dursley's for the rest of my life.'

'I would never let you live there, you shall live alongside me in Snape Manor.'

Ofcourse the author would have completely ignored the fact that Harry lived with the Dursley's up until now, and Snape had let him! Or else the author would decide that Harry now suffers from vestigeal remnants of his abuse at the hands of the Dursley's, for which Snape feels extremely repentant, and hence offers an explanation for allowing Harry to remain with the Dursley's for practically his entire life.

'I could not save you from the evil Dursley's, for had I revealed the truth at an in opportune moment, all would have been lost. Voldemort would have known that Trelawney and the prophecy were fake, and instead of attempting to extinguish your tiny life, he would have concentrated his efforts on world domination, which could simply not be allowed. If you had in an eventuality been killed, it would have been for the greater good, and your sacrifice would not have been allowed to go in vain.'

The reader's now sit back and observe a moment of silence, and allow history to reflect and mark this great moment. They need to observe a moment of silence, for this great element of truth is so vast and threatening that they cannot comprehend it. Author also needs to observe a moment of silence for he/she cannot believe his/her good luck in being pivotally instrumental in recording this monumental moment in history.

And so after Harry and Snape have managed to sort out all the previous years of bitterness in that one monumental moment, they emerge from the dungeons, and Snape awards Slytherin, now Harry's new house, one hundred points, simply because Harry is his son, and is in Slytherin. Harry feels thrilled that his worth is equivalent to one hundred whole points and runs off to play Quidditch, leaving Snape gazing at his retreating figure fondly.

Author will let the readers in on the conspiracy surrounding Snape's dubious Quidditch abilities another time, for it rationales that as author has established Harry's parentage, he has undoubtedly become the star player that he is, due to the talent inherited by Snape's over many generations. Author allows a moment for it all to sink in, and allows the reader's time to weigh the enormity of the situation.

Meanwhile author decides that some excitement ought to figure in Snape's otherwise drab existence, and decides that he too should be blessed with a sex-life in the form of his very own were-wolf. And so Snape feeling the urges insistently nagging, climbs the long and winding staircase to the Astronomy Tower, and emits a low sound very akin to a wolf howl.

Remus having heard the call of the wild from a very great distance, due to his overly sharp and sensitive ears, does not fail to respond and proceeds at once to satisfy his "husband." How the author managed to reach the consensus that Snape is the "husband" and Remus the "wife" in this homosexual realationship will be explained at a later stage.

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I hope you enjoyed that, please leave behind a review and let me know what you think._


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